forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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