low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize