drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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