I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
