did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize