Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
