Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize