Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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