my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
