I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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