Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
