he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i out mim tonsoeep
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
