I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
