If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just had sex on a roof
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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