I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize