I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
