Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
