I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
