Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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