The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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