in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
