it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
