haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
