Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize