Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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