I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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