Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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