Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize