So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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