you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
