I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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