He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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