omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
