I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
