She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
