Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
