so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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