I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize