Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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