Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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