put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
