She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
