I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
