You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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