he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
