good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
