We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
