i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
