make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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