also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
