That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
