Umm I'm too high to move.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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