Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
