i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
