I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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