Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
