Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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