There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
