can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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