so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
