I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
