I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
