Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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