They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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