I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
