I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize