You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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