my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
