if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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