I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
