I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
