I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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