you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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